Although I am no longer seventeen, and teenage angst can no longer be blamed for the occasional moments of reason-less desire for rebellion or unfounded fears and anxiety, I still find myself, at 30, in this weird but very familiar place of unease. Nowadays though, I recognize how big the role of PMS actually is in this whole arrangement, and I am aware enough to think before I speak, and breathe before I act.

I don’t think those “What is this all for?” moments ever leave no matter how old or mature you become. What changes is how you handle these moments. When I was younger, I used to let them consume me for days, even weeks on end. Now, I let myself have a bad day and be done with it. If negative thoughts creep into my head as they are prone to at this time of the month especially, I don’t let them marinate there. Instead, I recognize, accept and then let them move on.

On days like today, I feel myself revert back to my teen self-full of idealism and not enough reality, and angry at anything that tries to “control” me in any way. I was the biggest enemy of authority back them. I felt like my individuality was being challenged, and that I couldn’t grow within the walls of this rule-laden world. Maybe that’s why I loved Catcher in the Rye so much-because Holden Caulfield was a reflection of me back then-as it is a reflection of everybody going through an existentialist phase in their lives.

I used to think existentialism was the shit. Until I realized that I have to care about society. Why? Because I am part of it. I guess that lesson I learned and challenge given to me as I got older was how I can still be an individual without alienating myself or others.

So, I am sick now, which is probably why I am having this poor me moment. I’m on antibiotics so I should be better in a few days.