Guard Down

vul·ner·a·ble, adj.

1. a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.b. Susceptible to attack: “We are vulnerable both by water and land, without either fleet or army” (Alexander Hamilton).c. Open to censure or criticism; assailable.

Letting my guard down has never been an easy thing for me. The few times I have, I found myself lost, hurt, confused and left having to pick up the pieces. I think this may be true for everyone. When dealing with another human being, there really are no promises-even when you do make promises. You can only control how you act, how you feel and what you will do-whatever the other person chooses is beyond your control. At the end of the day, the only thing you can really have is faith.

The first time I really felt vulnerable in my life was when I was 25. I was in a relationship with someone, who for the first time in my life, opened my mind to the idea that I could maybe spend the rest of my life with just one person. Before him, I hadn’t given marriage more than a second of thought ever. At the time, I was convinced that he and I were meant to be together. Convinced, on all levels and with no doubt in my mind or heart whatsoever. He felt the same way. We were perfect.

And then he broke my heart. And the aftermath was horrendous. I’m not just talking about crying for a few days and going out and getting drunk-I went down to my high school/college weight of 103 pounds, I didn’t leave my room or my bed for 2 whole weeks, didn’t want to see anybody, struggled to take care of my daughter type of horrendous. I was crying until I felt like all emotion had been sucked out of me.

I went through all five steps of grieving- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It was horrible, but liberating. For the first time ever, I had my heart broken, and for the first time ever, I learned that I was not superwoman-and that I didn’t have to be.

Guard up was always just easier, and you would think that the heartbreak experience would have proved that, but what I really came to understand then was that yes, you can have your guard up all the time and protect yourself but you will never learn, never feel, never cry, never feel truly happy and never feel the wonderful, stomach in knots feeling of loving someone and hoping to God that he loves you too.

I still don’t like getting hurt, who does? But now I have lived and experienced enough to know that it is inevitable. I told my boyfriend the other day that we both need to realize that it is impossible that we will not disappoint each other at certain points in our relationship, but making sure it is not done intentionally, and  communicating will help in a big way.

There are no guarantees in life, in love, in anything, but I learned how to let go of past hurt, past guilt and past issues in order to move forward and live with the sense of wonder and openness like each day is my first, and with love, compassion and a slight sense of abandon like every day is my last.