It was the first day back at work for me today and I thought I would totally hate it. Surprisingly, I am welcoming the re-entry of schedules and brain cells into my life. Actually, it’s not that surprising, as my entire life I have been one of those people that never knew how to stay put or relax. Even on weekends or on holidays, I would be thinking about something I wanted to do for work, or a possible project. I could never really just completely zone out and not think about the stuff I had to do or wanted to do.

I only learned how to completely detach this year, when I went on a life hiatus for over two months. The lack of internet or phone signal from the boat in the Galapagos really taught me how to just live in the moment, and learn to appreciate the leisure time that I DO have. When I was in New York, I was completely oblivious to what was going on in Manila as well, and you know what? I felt damn good.

It really made me realize and accept that you don’t need to be responsible for EVERYTHING. The world will continue turning with out you in it. I used to worry over everything even when I was in the position to do nothing. Really though, what’s the point? Let other people handle things sometimes, let go of the reins. I think a big part of it was because I never trusted anybody enough to get things done the right way-meaning MY way. To this day, I am quite obsessive when I ask someone else to do a shoot for my section. I need pegs, I need to see every single shot, I re-read text over and over until my eyes hurt, and I encircle eye bags, chapped lips and stray hair with the concentration of a wannabe lawyer taking the New York Bar.

I used to think I was just a perfectionist, and that I wanted to make sure I got the job done-and done well. But then I started thinking “so, what Erica, you’re the only one who can get it done right? The world will crash and everyone will suffer if someone else does it? Are you saying you’re better than everyone else?”

To this day, I still proceed with caution when I ask other people to do things I would rather do myself, and I still have to restrain myself from being too critical of everything. Ideas still overflow in my head even when I’m supposed to be escaping from reality. It’s a process and I’m trying not to be such a control freak. I’ve gotten better, I must admit, from even a year or two ago, but it’s still something I consciously have to think about from time to time. In time. :)