What is it?

The Soulshine Project is a blog that I started, with the help of a few friends. The plan is to make it somewhat like a diary of happiness. The challenge is to be able to come up with one good thing that happened to you on any given day. Something you did, or was done for you, or that you saw. It doesn’t have to be groundbreaking, it can be something small, but made you feel good.

Why?
Because there are so many things going on in the world that are making many people cynical, angry, depressed and hopeless. I want small reminders that things are going to be ok, that there is hope and that there is always something every single day that will make you smile. Also, we are all interconnected, every single one of us. Whether we like it or not, let’s get to know each other more, yes?

So, what do you have to do?
I have given the password to a few people, but since giving it out publicly might end in disaster, I posted an email address on the site and urge people to email me their daily, weekly, whatever entries. I will post them on the blog for you. Just remember to leave your full name and location please.

What if I’m not much of a writer?
Well, it doesn’t need to be a novel, a short paragraph will do. Otherwise, post an original photograph or artwork that made you happy, your own music or anything actually-as long as it’s positive and has a short explaination.

So what are you waiting for?

Ummm…nothing so check out Thesoulshineproject.blogsp

ot.com and email your entries as much as you can at kaya.ananda@gmail.com

Thanks! Peace and Blessings, Erica

You always think that when you are older, you will know EVERYTHING, that you will be completely at ease with yourself, and that none of the issues you had growing up will exist.

Wrong.

I am thirty, and there are still things and people that can make me insecure at times. I still feel lost and scared and very unsure of the future. I still wonder what I will end up being “when I grow up”, even if, technically, I have been a legal adult for the past 9 years.

I still question my actions, debate whether or not my thoughts and opinions are appropriate, compare myself to my peers who seem more put together and general more “adult” than I am. Life is not perfect, as I thought it would be at this age, and many times, I am really STILL figuring it out.

The good thing is, I realized as I clock in the years, that:

1. You don’t need to have a time frame to know everything- you have your whole life-and guess what, even then, you still won’t know everything.

2. In anything you do, there will always be people better than you, and worse than you; prettier than you and not as physically good looking as you-you just need to accept this, and love yourself, no matter what. If you fuck up, pick yourself up, and keep on moving.

3. “Growing up” does not mean the same thing for everyone. I don’t need a white coat, a business suit and a 9-5 and overtime to know that I am doing ok. If you choose tattoos, summer dresses and scheduling your own time- that’s fine too. We are all different and all have different paths. I don’t remember where I read this but some wise person said ” It’s ok to disagree with other people’s paths, as long as you don’t think yours is the only path” (or something to that effect haha)

4. The “lost” feeling isn’t completely a bad thing. It just means I think, I wonder, I experiment, I feel, I believe, I change my mind, I discover, I want more. I am never satisfied because I always know there is something more. At the same time, I have also learned to chill. I’ve learned it’s ok to relax and zone out.

Peace.Love.Happiness. That’s all I need :)

I usually remember everything—-from ex-boyfriends’ birthdays, to what I was wearing on certain occasions. The other day though, I was having a conversation with my good friend about me and my current boyfriend. I had not seen her in awhile so we were catching up and she was asking me how we met and all of that.

As I was trying to give comparisons between my past, and him, I realized one thing-that I could barely remember anything with anyone before him anymore-like seriously not even with the last ex-boyfriend who I was with for over three years. I was trying to remember details and emotions and everything was fuzzy, and actually, did not even matter to me.

Any guy that makes me forget about everyone in my past, and allows me to let go of all my baggage must be someone special. Happy to have him in my life :D

Women who have mothers who have had breast cancer are already automatically more susceptible to the disease than people who are not in the direct line of fire, but it is also good to know that 50% of cancer cases are NOT hereditary.

I recently finished reading this book called “Pretty is what changes” by Jessica Queller, a woman who discovered she had the BRCA mutation gene, that, to make a long story short, meant that she had an 85-90% chance of developing breast cancer. She decided to take this test after her mother suffered through and died or ovarian cancer, after having gone through breast cancer prior to that.

In the book, she agonizes over whether or not to get a preventive mastectomy-or removal of her breasts-even if it is not definite that she will ever get cancer. How is a woman suppose to decide whether or not to get her breasts removed? Even if mine aren’t even that big, the thought of not having them seems weird, even wrong. But knowing I have a child and still want to do so many things with my life, would I do it anyway if the time ever came that I knew my predisposition to getting cancer was 90% sure? Would I be able to be brave enough to do it knowing that?

Aside from the obvious physical concerns, there are the emotional ones that come with it. Would I still feel like a woman? Would it be possible for me to still feel attractive? sexy? be intimate with anybody? Would I wanna get reconstructive plastic surgery after, or would I be ok being breast-less all my life? What about my partner, would he understand?

Reading the book brought back the days of my grandmother’s and mother’s bouts with cancer. Those were difficult times for everyone in our family. I got really emotional while I read some parts because I could identify with the emotions involved. I am also slightly more paranoid about getting cancer now. Is it just gonna strike someday when I least expect it? Am I going to be ready IF it does?

I don’t want to obsess but it is something I’ve been thinking about the past few days.

The world is a better place because:

1. My daughter gives me a reason to live every single day.

2. People can change. People can forgive. I still believe that people are essentially good.

3. After everything I have been through in the romance arena, I am still capable of loving my partner now, wholly and completely, with no hesitations.

4. I am thirty and I feel like a teenager. My body may be changing, and I have matured, but the world still manages to amaze me every single day.

5. I am blessed that what I love my work, and my work gives me time to do other things that I love as well.

6. I have awesome, amazing friends on all corners of the earth, who I know will be there in a heartbeat if they knew I really needed them.

7. My kitchen skillz.

8. My family loves me. And I love them.

I miss my boyfriend :(

And that is all I have to say right now.

Today I brought Ananda to her first Gymnastics lesson.

As I watched her so giddy and excited to be there, I thought “This was probably how my mom felt when she was watching me.”

I absolutely LOVED gymnastics. It was my life for 11 years. That’s one third of my existence.

I decided to try out the equipment, just so I could see what effect they would have on me. Every time I enter a gym, I can’t help myself, I HAVE to get on the beam, I NEED to do cartwheels on the floor. I love to feel my bare feet on foam, bouncing on trampolines and pointing my toes.

So many of my childhood memories are centered around Gymnastics in on way or another. I have such mixed feelings about the sport. On one hand, it kicked my butt physically, mentally and emotionally.  Imagine being 10 years old and being perpetually on a diet even if you are 100% fit and made of muscle, training hard everyday and even going abroad without family for a long period of time because they, along with the country, depended on you to win the gold medal. It was major pressure on us, although at that age, I did not have any idea what to call it. I would act out, pretend parts of my body hurt so I wouldn’t have to train on certain days. I felt so trapped and, if I had balls, I would say the sport was holding me by the balls.

On the other hand, I loved it. More than anything and possibly anyone in the world, I could not imagine my life without it or what would become of me if I wasn’t doing it. It  was like a co-dependency. I was dying to get out, but I could not imagine being able to live without it.

I hope to God my daughter loves this sport forever if she decides she wants to pursue it in the future. I hope she never resents it, or me. I hope she never gets hurt physically or tormented mentally by it. I hope that I can keep it fun for her, and be able to push her to her full potential without pressure or tears.

So, today I got a message in my Facebook inbox from someone whose existence I have almost forgotten about. The last time I had any contact with this person was almost a decade ago and he was someone I hate to admit I dated briefly. *Cringe*

So, he is asking me to friend him and although I am obviously over it, and I can honestly say I don’t care about him, I am confused whether or not to accept this friend request.

Ok, I may sound very high school right now but there is a part of me that is like “Well, that was such a long time ago, you don’t even feel anything anymore.” But there is also that other half of me that is like “Ok, you’ve forgiven, maybe not forgotten, but forgiven is good enough, but he is not important enough to know about anything going on in my life right now.”

I feel stupid for even having to think about it actually. I guess it’s like this weird person or thing that you kind of just pushed out of your thoughts and suddenly there he is. haha!

Some people think exes can’t be friends. I beg to differ but I guess it depends on the situation. I’m friends with most (not all) my exes but it was because we were friends to begin with and it took a LOT of time for us to be friends again. And one of them is kind of by default because we have a child together. I wouldn’t even call him a friend, more like an unfortunate coincidence. ha!

Anyway, this whole post is pretty much pointless. Goodnight. :)

Uh-oh. It’s happening again. Every so often, no matter where I’m at, I often feel the urge to pack up and leave. The 6 month mark since I arrived is fast approaching and I’m starting to feel the desire to dust off my luggage, look up possible locations to fly to (Who am I kidding, everyone knows I wanna be in New York) and just leave.

I’ve been traveling regularly since I was ten months old. That’s probably one of the biggest reasons behind my love for airplane rides, wandering around cities I’ve never been to, going back to cities I love over and over, finding reasons to leave the country, never saying no when someone asks me to go, and never getting homesick. I got used to traveling, I fell in-love with it and now it’s a must do as much as possible if I want to keep my sanity intact.

Lately, my thoughts have been wandering towards swimming in the Pacific ocean, surrounded by the islands of the Galapagos, playing with sea lions and sea turtles and basking in the sun all day. This alternates with thoughts of Happy Hours at Fat Hippo in the Lower East Side, traipsing around the East Village, Ferry rides to Staten Island and getting on and off the subway. Once in awhile, El Jannah chicken in Granville floats in there somewhere, and I’m all of a sudden transported to Sydney, on the other side of the planet. I miss Glebe and Paddington Markets on Saturdays, I miss the whole laid back vibe of Sydney, and I miss having beaches so close to home.

Because of my intense desire and NEED to travel, I never save as much as I should, but I think the memories, experiences and lessons I learn are priceless. Already trying to figure out the money situation and see what can be moved around this year. :)

1.Everything is interconnected.The gravity and length of my hangovers are directly proportional to my age. Incidentally, the amount of drinks my body can take is also directly proportional to my age and gravity and length of my hangovers. A childhood lesson from my dad makes sense after all!

2. Life is indeed unfair. I also realized that the amount of food I eat is not what makes me gain weight faster as I get older, it’s the fact that I eat-period. Lesson: You can have your cake, and eat it too-but you will also be wearing it.

3. Listen to your Elders. You know those senior citizens that exercise or do taichi in the park that we either find so cute or love to make fun of? Well, they know what they have to do. The older I get the more I realize that working out, or some form of physical activity is integral and inescapable in our lives. I was very athletic growing up and at one point I just stopped. Now, although my body easily gets used to physical activity, my desire to eat, drink and be lazy is always at odds with my inner Jane Fonda.

4. Stay away from the bad boys. I’m relieved that I got over my attraction to the dark side, because I realized that the bad boys I thought were so cute, are actually bad eggs forever. Proof-ten, twelve, fifteen years later and they are exactly the same. Mysterious turns into ridiculous if you have been doing it for over a decade.